Please don't say you love me
by DSISandraPullman39
Summary: Why risk what we have for the sake of three words, 8 letters, nothing in linguistic terms but which can turn the world upside down with the power they hold.


**Please don't say you love me**

**Disclaimer:-** Don't own them just borrowing!

**Episode:-** None

**Pairing:- **Jean/James

**Rating:- **K+

**Achieve:- ** **http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/**

**Summary:-** Why risk what we have for the sake of three words, 8 letters, nothing in linguistic terms but which can turn the world upside down with the power they hold.

**Author's Note:- **I heard this Gabrielle Alpin song on breakfast this week and it just screamed Jean/James fic so this is the short fluffy slightly angsty thing that came from it. Lyrics "Please don't say you love me" by Gabrielle Alpin.

_Summer comes and winter fade here we are just the same_

_Don't need pressure don't need change let's not give the game away_

"Do you want some help? I feel a bit guilty sitting here will you do all the work."

"No I've told you already no one touches my flower beds but me just read your book and relax." I can feel your eyes on my back as I move around the rose bushes pruning and enjoying the heat gently dappling my skin washing away the last remnants of winter from my mind.The winter was long but the time spent with you, the dark nights in front of the fire, the Christmas spent with someone I truly care about, the lazy weekends spent in bed hiding from the chill outside has made it all worthwhile.

"I love that sundress on you; I'd forgotten how mazing you look when I can see so much more of you during the day." The mischievous edge to your voice has made me laugh and suddenly you're behind me, one of your arms around my waist, your fingers moving my hair aside so you can cover my neck in gentle kisses. I will never tire of how good it feels to be with you, how you make me feel like I don't need to be anyone or anything other than I am.

_There used to be an empty space, a photograph without your face_

_But with your presence and your grace everything falls into place_

"Yeah well you're not so hard on the eye yourself, who'd have thought this time last year that I'd be gardening while you were topping up your tan on my lounger?" Your laugh makes your lips vibrate against my neck and my heart races. Before you it was of little consequence to me if the sun shone or not, the loneliness of finding myself single again after so long as part of a couple was clawing. Coming home at night to silence, to a home that seemed devoid of love, of the warmth of occupation was my worst nightmare and I was living that nightmare day in and day out.

"Have you finished yet? All this watching you work is making me hungry and not just for lunch." Turning in your arms the flower beds are forgotten as you kiss me and once again I feel like so long as I have you nothing can possibly be wrong. Nothing can touch me the way that loneliness did so long as I have you in my life.

_Heavy words are hard to take under pressure precious things break_

_And how we feel is hard to fake so let's not give the game away._

"Inside! I made a salad while you were showering this morning let's eat then we can talk about what else you're hungry for."

"Jean wait, look I just wanted to tell you how great the last few months have been and…." Even as I try to keep walking you pull me back and I know what you're trying to do, what you're trying to say but I can't let you do it. I can't let you make this something quantifiable, something with a label, something that I know from experience can only fail once you do.

"You're right they have been and so long as we just keep doing what we have been doing there's no reason to believe it can't stay great. I don't need grand declarations or big gestures James, I don't need you to tell me you're happy any more than I need to tell you. This is real, it feels real, it feels amazing why try to explain it?"

_Fools rush in and I've been fooled before_

_This time I'm going to slow it down cause I think it could be more._

The look in your eyes as you pull me close again makes my stomach knot because I know what it means. I know what you want to say and I know the day is coming when I won't be able to stop you but it's all too soon. It's all too frightening like by letting you tell me and risking telling you I'm opening the door to a downward spiral that will leave me completely shattered from the fall.

"You know one day you're going to have to let me say it don't you? One day you're going to have to hear the words and accept that I mean them and that I'm not going anywhere. You're going to have to accept that whatever happened in the past you can't let it stop us from moving on forever." The gentle breeze that seems to have been waiting in the wings ready to pounce ready to send a shiver down my spine has picked now to make it's appearance and the sensation has made me step a little closer to you, a little further into your arms. It amazes me how the protection I feel from having you so close can be in direct contrast to the fear I feel at the thought of you vowing to stay by my side. It never ceases to amaze me how I know you're right that this is so much more than I've ever experienced before and yet to hear you say it would feel like an ending rather than a beginning.

_Please don't say you love me cause I may not say it back_

_Doesn't mean my heart's stopped skipping when you look at me like that_

"I know you're right, I'm not denying that, just not yet James. I'm not ready for that yet." The kiss you give me says more than any words could as suddenly I'm overheating and it has nothing to do with the mid-afternoon sun still flooding the garden. The tolerance and acceptance in your eyes as you rest your forehead on mine again sets off an instinctive reaction in the pit of my stomach that this time has nothing to do with fear or nervousness. I know what this is, I know what we have, I know why I feel so right when I'm with you but until such times as I can face up to using those words I used once before believing it was forever I hope you can be patient with me.

_There's no need to worry when you see just where we're at_

_Just please don't say you love me cause I may not say it back_

"Haven't I done enough yet to show you that it's not just words? In all these months, all the years that came before that lead us to this point; didn't I do enough to mean we've earned the right to admit what we really mean to each other?" There's no impatience in your words, no demand for explanation I don't think I could properly give. We have this discussion sporadically now, the times when I know the words are hanging on the tip of your tongue are becoming more frequent yet I know you'll never push me, never demand, never make me cross the imaginary line I've drawn in the sand and which you are already on the other side of reaching across willing me to take that final leap of faith.

"You have, we both have, but I can't lose you James not now and however irrational it is, however cowardly it might seem to say it would make me believe I was going to. When, and I do mean when not if, but when we say it I don't want you to be the one to say it and find myself too frightened to say it back. It'll come darling I promise you it will, just not now, not yet."

"When you let me say it once I swear I'm going to tell you every day for the rest of our lives but ok. For now let's accept that it goes without saying, that you know I mean it and you do too even if we never say it out loud."

With a final kiss I drag you inside the nervousness that was consuming me dissipating with each step. When this began I warned you that I wasn't an easy person to be with and I truly believed when you saw that was true you'd leave and I'd be left with nothing but memories of what we had. I believed it could never last, never be what I wanted it to be and yet it has. You're still here, we're still making it work in spite of it all so maybe, just maybe, the day is getting a little closer when you can say what I know you're desperate to. Maybe the day isn't too far away when I can finally let you say "I love you" and I can say "I love you too". Until then though why take any chances? Why risk what we have for the sake of three words, 8 letters, nothing in linguistic terms but which can turn the world upside down with the power they hold.


End file.
